10 Cycling Jokes - Clean
1. Going Deaf A tandem rider is stopped by a police car.
"What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.
"Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."
"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
2. Mark Twain's Wisdom on Cycling U.S. Library of Congress
"Learn to ride a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live."
3. Pig! Pig! The other day on a ride, I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. Then along comes a woman who was driving very slowly uphill toward me, honking her horn and shouting at me.
"PIG! PIG!!" she yelled. "PIG! PIG!!"
So I flipped her the finger and shouted back some things I dare not repeat as I buzzed by her.
Still thinking about this awful woman and her shouting, I turned the corner and promptly collided with a pig.
4. A Nerd and His New Bike (c) Stock.xchng
A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.
The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked, "WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"
The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
5. A Cyclist in Heaven A very devout cyclist dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the gate. First thing the cyclist askes is if there are bicycles in heaven.
"Sure," says St. Peter, "let me show you," and he leads the guy into the finest Velodrome you can imagine.
"This is great," the cyclist says.
"It certainly is," says St. Peter. "You will have a custom bike and the best cycling clothes you've ever seen, and your personal masseuse will always available."
As they speak a blur streaks by them on the boards riding a gold plated Cinelli.
"Wow!" the cyclist exclaims. "That guy was so fast that can only be Eddy Merckx!"
"No," says St. Peter, "that was God on the bike, he only thinks he's Eddy".
6. The Hardest Part of Learning to Ride a Bike Q. Do you know what is the hardest part of learning to ride a bike?
A. The pavement.
7. Two Nerds on a Tandem Two nerds are riding along on a tandem, when suddenly, the one on the front slams on the brakes, gets off and starts letting air out of the tires.
The one on the back says: "HEY! What are you doing that for!?"
The first nerd says, "My seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I wanted to lower it a bit."
So the one in the back has had enought. He jumps off, loosens his own seat and spins it round to face the other direction.
Now it's the first guy's turn to wonder what's going on. "What are you doing?" he asks his friend.
"Look mate," says the rider in the back, "if you're going to do stupid stuff like that, I'm going home!!"
8. Problem Dog (c) Aubrey/Flickr
"I've really had it with my dog," said the first guy to his neighbor. "He'll chase anyone on a bicycle"
"Hmmm, that is a problem," said the neighbor. "What are you thinking of doing about it?"
"Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!"
9. The Pedestrian and the Cyclist A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking one day and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist.
"You were really lucky there," said the cyclist.
"What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head.
"Well, usually I drive a bus!" the cyclist replied.
10. A Tough Climb on a Tandem Jack and Jill have just climbed Le Alp de Huez, one of the steepest peaks in the Alps on their tandem.
"Phew, that was a tough climb" said Jack, leaning over, breathing hard. "That climb was so hard, and we were going so slow, I thought we were never going to make it."
"Yeah, good thing I kept the brakes on," said Jill, "or we'd have slid all the way back down!"
"What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.
"Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."
"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
2. Mark Twain's Wisdom on Cycling U.S. Library of Congress
"Learn to ride a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live."
3. Pig! Pig! The other day on a ride, I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. Then along comes a woman who was driving very slowly uphill toward me, honking her horn and shouting at me.
"PIG! PIG!!" she yelled. "PIG! PIG!!"
So I flipped her the finger and shouted back some things I dare not repeat as I buzzed by her.
Still thinking about this awful woman and her shouting, I turned the corner and promptly collided with a pig.
4. A Nerd and His New Bike (c) Stock.xchng
A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.
The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked, "WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"
The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
5. A Cyclist in Heaven A very devout cyclist dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the gate. First thing the cyclist askes is if there are bicycles in heaven.
"Sure," says St. Peter, "let me show you," and he leads the guy into the finest Velodrome you can imagine.
"This is great," the cyclist says.
"It certainly is," says St. Peter. "You will have a custom bike and the best cycling clothes you've ever seen, and your personal masseuse will always available."
As they speak a blur streaks by them on the boards riding a gold plated Cinelli.
"Wow!" the cyclist exclaims. "That guy was so fast that can only be Eddy Merckx!"
"No," says St. Peter, "that was God on the bike, he only thinks he's Eddy".
6. The Hardest Part of Learning to Ride a Bike Q. Do you know what is the hardest part of learning to ride a bike?
A. The pavement.
7. Two Nerds on a Tandem Two nerds are riding along on a tandem, when suddenly, the one on the front slams on the brakes, gets off and starts letting air out of the tires.
The one on the back says: "HEY! What are you doing that for!?"
The first nerd says, "My seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I wanted to lower it a bit."
So the one in the back has had enought. He jumps off, loosens his own seat and spins it round to face the other direction.
Now it's the first guy's turn to wonder what's going on. "What are you doing?" he asks his friend.
"Look mate," says the rider in the back, "if you're going to do stupid stuff like that, I'm going home!!"
8. Problem Dog (c) Aubrey/Flickr
"I've really had it with my dog," said the first guy to his neighbor. "He'll chase anyone on a bicycle"
"Hmmm, that is a problem," said the neighbor. "What are you thinking of doing about it?"
"Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!"
9. The Pedestrian and the Cyclist A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking one day and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist.
"You were really lucky there," said the cyclist.
"What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head.
"Well, usually I drive a bus!" the cyclist replied.
10. A Tough Climb on a Tandem Jack and Jill have just climbed Le Alp de Huez, one of the steepest peaks in the Alps on their tandem.
"Phew, that was a tough climb" said Jack, leaning over, breathing hard. "That climb was so hard, and we were going so slow, I thought we were never going to make it."
"Yeah, good thing I kept the brakes on," said Jill, "or we'd have slid all the way back down!"
You are a bike addict when:
10. Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between presta and schrader.
9. A measurement of 44-36-40 doesn't refer to the latest Playboy centerfold, but that new gear ratio you were considering for your Cobra.
8. A Power Bar starts tasting better than a Snickers.
7. The bra your significant other finds in your glove compartment belongs to your Trek and not the cute waitress at Denny's.
6. You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities.
5. The funeral director tells you "NO!" you can't ride your Cannondale in the funeral procession, even if you keep your headlight on.
4. You experience an unreasonable envy over someone who has bar end extenders longer than yours.
3. You're too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday.
2. Your wife tells you the only way she'll let you ride across the country is over her dead body and you tell her, "If that's the case, you'll be my first speed bump!"
AND the number-one reason you know you're addicted to bicycling...
1. You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.
And...
You hear someone had a crash and your first question is "How's the bike?"
You have stopped even trying to explain to your wife why you need two bikes ...you just go buy another one and figure it will all work out in the divorce settlement.
You convert your car's brake & gas pedals to clipless.
You see nothing wrong with discussing the connection between hydration and urine color.
You find your Shimano touring shoes to be more comfortable and stylish than your gunboat sneakers.
You refuse to buy a couch because that patch of wallspace is taken up by the bike.
You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe.
Biker chick means black spandex, not leather, and a Marinoni, not a Harley.
The "four cheeseburgers and four large French Fries" is for you.
You see a fit, tanned, Lycra-clad young woman ride by, and the first thing you check out is her bicycle.
You empathize with the roadkill.
Despite all that winter weight you put on, you'll skim weight by buying titanium components.
You use wax on your chain, but not on your car.
Your first course when you eat out is a large banana split.
You yell "On Your Left!" when passing another car.
You yell "Hole!" when you see a pothole while driving your car.
Your bike has more miles on its computer then your car's odometer.
Your bikes are worth more than your car.
You buy a mini-van and immediately remove the rear seats to allow your bike(s) to fit.
When you move to a new area the first thing you look for is a bike shop.
You have more bike jerseys than dress shirts.
You take your bike along when you shop for a car - just to make sure the bike will fit inside.
You start yelling at cars to "hold your line."
You view crashes as an opportunity to upgrade components.
You clean your bike(s) more often then your car.
You and your significant other have and wear identical riding clothes.
You can tell your wife, with a straight face that it's to hot to mow the lawn and then bike off for a century.
You regard inter-gender discussion of your genital pain/size/shape/utility as normal.
Your New Years resolution is to put more miles on your bike than your car, and you do it.
You know your cadence, but you have no idea what your speed is.
When driving your car you lean over the steering wheel, just like an aerobar.
Your kids bring a rear derailleur to "Show & Tell".
Your car sits outside your garage because your garage is full of bikes and cycling gear.
You tailgate a semi-trailer to get the drafting effect.
You know your Bike Nashbar customer number by heart.
You have a four digit Bike Nashbar customer number.
There is no time like the present, for postponing what you ought to be doing, and go bicycling instead...
______
"I'm on my beater bike"
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a popcorn fart and costs more than a divorce.
"It's not that hilly"
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.
"You're doing great, honey"
Translation: Yo, lard-o, I'd like to get home before midnight. This is what you get for spending the winter watching football and gobbling Sausages. I shoulda married that cute Cat 1 when I had the chance.
"This is a no-drop ride"
Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing. It's for the search-and-rescue dogs.
"It's not that far"
Translation: Yes, it is.
9. A measurement of 44-36-40 doesn't refer to the latest Playboy centerfold, but that new gear ratio you were considering for your Cobra.
8. A Power Bar starts tasting better than a Snickers.
7. The bra your significant other finds in your glove compartment belongs to your Trek and not the cute waitress at Denny's.
6. You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities.
5. The funeral director tells you "NO!" you can't ride your Cannondale in the funeral procession, even if you keep your headlight on.
4. You experience an unreasonable envy over someone who has bar end extenders longer than yours.
3. You're too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday.
2. Your wife tells you the only way she'll let you ride across the country is over her dead body and you tell her, "If that's the case, you'll be my first speed bump!"
AND the number-one reason you know you're addicted to bicycling...
1. You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.
And...
You hear someone had a crash and your first question is "How's the bike?"
You have stopped even trying to explain to your wife why you need two bikes ...you just go buy another one and figure it will all work out in the divorce settlement.
You convert your car's brake & gas pedals to clipless.
You see nothing wrong with discussing the connection between hydration and urine color.
You find your Shimano touring shoes to be more comfortable and stylish than your gunboat sneakers.
You refuse to buy a couch because that patch of wallspace is taken up by the bike.
You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe.
Biker chick means black spandex, not leather, and a Marinoni, not a Harley.
The "four cheeseburgers and four large French Fries" is for you.
You see a fit, tanned, Lycra-clad young woman ride by, and the first thing you check out is her bicycle.
You empathize with the roadkill.
Despite all that winter weight you put on, you'll skim weight by buying titanium components.
You use wax on your chain, but not on your car.
Your first course when you eat out is a large banana split.
You yell "On Your Left!" when passing another car.
You yell "Hole!" when you see a pothole while driving your car.
Your bike has more miles on its computer then your car's odometer.
Your bikes are worth more than your car.
You buy a mini-van and immediately remove the rear seats to allow your bike(s) to fit.
When you move to a new area the first thing you look for is a bike shop.
You have more bike jerseys than dress shirts.
You take your bike along when you shop for a car - just to make sure the bike will fit inside.
You start yelling at cars to "hold your line."
You view crashes as an opportunity to upgrade components.
You clean your bike(s) more often then your car.
You and your significant other have and wear identical riding clothes.
You can tell your wife, with a straight face that it's to hot to mow the lawn and then bike off for a century.
You regard inter-gender discussion of your genital pain/size/shape/utility as normal.
Your New Years resolution is to put more miles on your bike than your car, and you do it.
You know your cadence, but you have no idea what your speed is.
When driving your car you lean over the steering wheel, just like an aerobar.
Your kids bring a rear derailleur to "Show & Tell".
Your car sits outside your garage because your garage is full of bikes and cycling gear.
You tailgate a semi-trailer to get the drafting effect.
You know your Bike Nashbar customer number by heart.
You have a four digit Bike Nashbar customer number.
There is no time like the present, for postponing what you ought to be doing, and go bicycling instead...
______
"I'm on my beater bike"
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a popcorn fart and costs more than a divorce.
"It's not that hilly"
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.
"You're doing great, honey"
Translation: Yo, lard-o, I'd like to get home before midnight. This is what you get for spending the winter watching football and gobbling Sausages. I shoulda married that cute Cat 1 when I had the chance.
"This is a no-drop ride"
Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing. It's for the search-and-rescue dogs.
"It's not that far"
Translation: Yes, it is.